[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I hope it’s French Onion!
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.