It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
You Might Also Like
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.