[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
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Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*