They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat