i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
You Might Also Like
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
yes… yes…
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume