What fresh Hell is this?!?
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!