Me checking my bank balance online.
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me when I see my crush
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
bad news gang
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED