I pray every night that I never become religious…
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I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Doctors texting each other.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
HELP 馃槶
need him
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
life is a highway and I鈥檓 afraid to merge
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
LOIS LANE: let鈥檚 watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it鈥檚 what you do best
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette