Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
A choir of Spring onions
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I am crying
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.