Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.