I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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bias laundering edition
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
There is no “we” in pizza
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking