Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
me and the Superbowl rn
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*