*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.