Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
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I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership