[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
You Might Also Like
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
one last job
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.