You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir