[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
You Might Also Like
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.