I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“You’d better run, egg!”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.