How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My neck, my back, my…
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
a fate I wish upon no one
Sign of the day..
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses