Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy