I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
You Might Also Like
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
sigh
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?