burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Thursday
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.