My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
WWE is French for “yes”
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I have obtained a hat
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two