gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.