I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.