Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
make your kid鈥檚 birthday party a special one they鈥檒l be talking about in therapy for years
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Hi, I鈥檓 Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I鈥檓 a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.馃ぃ
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you鈥檒l ever meet in person.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, 鈥榗ause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.