3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.