I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band