Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*