I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.