Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
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I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team