WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking