Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Simple
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall