[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.