I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
😂😂😂😂😂😂