[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.