From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt