*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”