CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.