[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
sensitive skin
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!