I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief