I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..