My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial