im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Bless you
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL