when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.