I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
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I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.