Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”