If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Put the is in disheveled
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Straight people are cancelled
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?