[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁