Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
You Might Also Like
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!